"i smelled you on my shirt today"

my dreams of you are technicolor extravaganzas
complete with the taste of you in my mouth
and the smell of you on my skin and clothes

we grab at each other like we always used to
in these dreams you would never turn away walk away run away
like you do now, everytime we touch

my secrets slip off your tongue and back into my skin
i whisper all the things she'd never be able to tell you
and you whisper all the things you'd never really say



i am rudely awoken
and spend the day driven to distraction
the distinctive smell of you so strong in my soul it makes
my stomach turn with excitement

i only laugh when you ask me what i dream

Withdrawal (not like I'm in love or anything)

It's not like I'm in love
with you
or her or him or anyone.
We use that word
too much, you and I,
when really it should be
used as sparingly as
strong spices.

But I don't deny
that my heart races
like
I've just ingested too much caffeine
or some strong spices
when your name appears
online.

I don't deny
you are my drug of choice.
Your words
are the high I keep on
chasing.

But, God, the
crash is hell.

"every living creature dies alone"

we have never been friends
not really
but in this moment of chaos
of crisis
of crumbling
you find me and I offer
all I have to you
comfort in this time
of the breaking of your heart
I offer
myself, my soul, my body
in the hopes that it will heal your cracks

but you hand me back
reject my offerings, my whole damn self
because you need to fall apart
without me
you nourish the holes in your beaten soul
spread them wider
making Swiss cheese of your will to live

In Memory of a Palm Reading

almost
six months and it
kills me that I have forgotten
almost nothing
about you, not your voice or
your arms around me or the
details of your hands
(there's a spot,
yeah, just there,
that I noticed when I read
your tanned and scarred palm.
told you it meant
that you would fall from
"a Very Great Height."
this was right before I
pushed you from the table
where we were perched.
don't bitch at me, that
was totally funny.)

it makes me wish that I knew
there was someone
out there in the world,
who was memorizing me
like I have memorized you.
who would remember the scar
below my eyebrow and
the stupid stories and the sound of
my laugh.

Me, I'm a lonely addict. You, you're just gone.

my day is filled with
coffee and Cake (the band, silly,
not the dessert) reminding me
of the days we once spent
inseparable

but now I drink my lattes alone
blast my music on headphones, because you
aren't here to listen with me
and you are just a spirit and a gravestone
that I talk to, tell my
dirty little secrets to

come back to me, darling dearest
return to your place in my speed dial and
my broken heart

you were never supposed to go without me

it wasn't that long ago
I said to you,
"I would still love you
even if you threw me off a fucking cliff
and stole my imaginary boyfriend"
because it's true you know
you could do no wrong
when it came to me
and I was the same to you

you replied, a smile in your words,
"I'd never steal your imaginary boyfriend
and
if I threw you off a cliff...we'd totally go together"

so what happened, love?
what happened to that
cliff we should've come to together?
you slipped away,
when I wasn't here to save you

or maybe to follow after
when I wasn't here to grab your hand
as you free fell
clutch your fingers on the way down
that long drop off that figurative cliff
with our imaginary boyfriends close behind

Written Upon Being Reminded Just How Excitable You Make My Stomach Butterflies

I would be happier,
even still stuck here in my broken skin
if you would just be my
everything. The friend that I need,
the lover that I want so bad it
wakes me at night and causes me to
say silly things to you
that I never meant to mean.
You were meant to be featured
on the acknowledgements page of my
effed up life. Didn’t you know?
Don’t you realize that you
should need me, god need me so much,
need me as much as I
hate to need you.