Untitled.

I lust after the way you
include all the same smileys that he uses
into the comments you leave me.
The way you hold cigarettes in your hands.
I find pleasure and safety
in lying under tables telling you secrets
jokes, and stories.

Maybe this is how it’s supposed to be.
Maybe the hard-to-breathe feeling means
that finally finally finally finally
someone likes me back.
But for you and I
the road to possibilities is littered
with the sharp broken pieces of relationships
gone bad, or simply faded.
And I have no need to scar my flesh today.

I lose myself in your careless smile.
The lyrics of a song we both love.
And then I stand,
and hug you one last time.
Pretend it doesn’t hurt like it always does.

When I turn back, on the stairway
you are bent over the cigarette and lighter
in your hand.
Glancing up, I see the distance in your eyes
and know that we know
this is all what it needs to be.
But all I can think about is how much I wish
a good bye kiss wasn’t so out of the question.

It Was Better Without The Lipstick

take my hand, boy
i will lead you away
from the voices that
taunt and tease

i will lead you
with my feminine wiles
(unused for so long)
and show you
the ways in which it would be
so much easier
if i was by your side

lipstick
and black & white photographs
stolen kisses
and lose yourself in my eyes, darling

it was simple when we
were but little children

when i was
nearly
almost
as much of a boy as you
but now we are words
like
man &
woman &
sex

adulthood
creeps in
in the dark of night
leaving
uncertainty
depression
and lust
in it’s wake

Eight Hundred and Fifty Four (poem for a boy)

I forgot to tell you

I love you

before you left for home

I thought I would see you

before I lost the memory of your skin

and the smell of your freshly washed hair

we were supposed to have

every goodbye that we wanted

we were supposed to have

all the time in the world

you and me and our cornucopia

of malfunctions and broken promises

were supposed to have a chance to heal

but no part of me cares

about the talking now

and all of me aches for the taste and the chaos of you

and the chance to say only this:

forget what we were

what we were was a land mine

this is now this is here

and I love you more than

Juliet loved Romeo, because really

what were they but lovestruck teenagers

and we, we are eternity

Maybe dying young is all for the best

it’s always peaceful here
in the wasteland of my head
where thoughts of love and death and everything else that matters
and even more things that don’t
swirl and mix and become
songs
letters
poetry
text messages proclaiming my feelings, that I never ever send
I wonder if it will stay this way
or if my words will fade over the course
of the many years to come
will the cancer (literal)
and the cancer of just aging (metaphorical)
eat away until I can’t make you
turn your head
with just my words and a smile
will I be my mother
writing about my sickness
and my garden
will I still be able to write about love
and making love
and you
for now it’s peaceful here
but if there is anything
you taught
that I cared to remember
it is that nothing stays the same forever
and peace
can turn to a battle for your life and mind
so quickly

A Poem for My Anti-Crush

you are my anti
you are football pick-up truck preppy
silent golden boy
who is everything
every word every molecule every heartbeat
that I have never wanted

though I know deepest down
that you don’t even know
I’m alive
have never acknowledged
my subtle creepy chick in the corner
existence
I feel like you’re watching
and I step up my game

I become more than I am
I become
short skirt hyper punk big eyes red lipstick girl
because then maybe
you’ll look over and notice
the girl who is everything you’ve never had
and maybe that thought will taste good
in your perfect mouth

in my daydreams we become
anti-us
and drift together in a place where
that all doesn’t matter
we just are
and we love it

If you love someone, set them free

this is a turning point
can you see it?
right there
this is where I turn away
lay down my weapons
and fight for you
no longer
(it was a losing battle)
this is it, darling
this is the moment where we
sink
or maybe
steel ourselves
and swim
I could lose you
forever, maybe
or I’ll be ever so lucky
and every prophecy made
by every
cheesy teen movie
sad love song
romance novel
will come true
and you’ll come back
just because
you want me
more than anything

Why I didn't answer my phone today

I hide from you
to protect myself
because if I let my heart
get tangled up in your
hot and cold
there and gone
love me, hate me
it’s still an obsession
world

then I would drown
fade
and die
all because I love you
just a little too much
all because when I met you
I realized that you were
a piece that I had been missing
but now I know
that your piece is too close to my heart
there is too much of a risk
of breakage
you put my pieces back together
only to tear me apart