"every living creature dies alone"

we have never been friends
not really
but in this moment of chaos
of crisis
of crumbling
you find me and I offer
all I have to you
comfort in this time
of the breaking of your heart
I offer
myself, my soul, my body
in the hopes that it will heal your cracks

but you hand me back
reject my offerings, my whole damn self
because you need to fall apart
without me
you nourish the holes in your beaten soul
spread them wider
making Swiss cheese of your will to live

In Memory of a Palm Reading

almost
six months and it
kills me that I have forgotten
almost nothing
about you, not your voice or
your arms around me or the
details of your hands
(there's a spot,
yeah, just there,
that I noticed when I read
your tanned and scarred palm.
told you it meant
that you would fall from
"a Very Great Height."
this was right before I
pushed you from the table
where we were perched.
don't bitch at me, that
was totally funny.)

it makes me wish that I knew
there was someone
out there in the world,
who was memorizing me
like I have memorized you.
who would remember the scar
below my eyebrow and
the stupid stories and the sound of
my laugh.

Me, I'm a lonely addict. You, you're just gone.

my day is filled with
coffee and Cake (the band, silly,
not the dessert) reminding me
of the days we once spent
inseparable

but now I drink my lattes alone
blast my music on headphones, because you
aren't here to listen with me
and you are just a spirit and a gravestone
that I talk to, tell my
dirty little secrets to

come back to me, darling dearest
return to your place in my speed dial and
my broken heart

you were never supposed to go without me

it wasn't that long ago
I said to you,
"I would still love you
even if you threw me off a fucking cliff
and stole my imaginary boyfriend"
because it's true you know
you could do no wrong
when it came to me
and I was the same to you

you replied, a smile in your words,
"I'd never steal your imaginary boyfriend
and
if I threw you off a cliff...we'd totally go together"

so what happened, love?
what happened to that
cliff we should've come to together?
you slipped away,
when I wasn't here to save you

or maybe to follow after
when I wasn't here to grab your hand
as you free fell
clutch your fingers on the way down
that long drop off that figurative cliff
with our imaginary boyfriends close behind

Written Upon Being Reminded Just How Excitable You Make My Stomach Butterflies

I would be happier,
even still stuck here in my broken skin
if you would just be my
everything. The friend that I need,
the lover that I want so bad it
wakes me at night and causes me to
say silly things to you
that I never meant to mean.
You were meant to be featured
on the acknowledgements page of my
effed up life. Didn’t you know?
Don’t you realize that you
should need me, god need me so much,
need me as much as I
hate to need you.

Losing My Religion, all for you, babe

there are not words yet
i try to find the proper song lyrics
the right poem
that carries the weight of all that i wish
to convey to you
wherever the hell you are now
no, wherever the heaven you are now, maybe
(because i always said i don’t believe in hell)
(still don’t)
my mother thinks you believe now
in everything you shunned
the trinity of god, jesus, and your father’s sermons
but most of me still believes you are
my girl
the one who showed up
still drunk
for her confirmation exam
and passed anyway, though you were never confirmed
not that i think that matters anymore
this rambling pretentious poem that i
really hope you aren’t reading from
wherever you are
has lost it’s train of thought
maybe i’m not ready to write
about the space in my life
that used to be you
because it’s a damn big hole
that a thousand poems
could never ever fill

A Slice of Summer Love (july 2008)

This is how this is going to work

Take your shirt off
Close your eyes
And pretend I’m not here
Can you do that?

Play a few random chords
On the guitar your sister gave you
Because really you don’t know how to play any songs

I will put aside my pen and paper
My camera and my film
This is not a documented moment
As
Of
Now

So you can put aside your pretenses
You don’t have to be the
Boy that they want you to be
When you’re here with me

And I have abandoned almost all my clothing
I’m singing Avril Lavigne for you
(why’d you have to go and make things so complicated)

These are the moments that I will remember
When I leave you here
Shirtless, with your guitar and your uncertainty

This is how this is going to work

Put down your guitar
Look me in the eye and silence my lips with your stare
Kiss me
Yes
Like that.