Denial, Tears, and Prayer at Midnight

(darling, this is for you)

i almost called you last night
in the midst of my tears
i lay in bed
cell phone in hand
and watched your number
swim and blur
before my teary eyes
i wanted to call you
because you are the one
who puts my pieces back together
i wanted to call you
the friend you
the almost me you
but somehow i knew
if i dialed the phone
it would be answered by
the you
who makes my stomach knot
the one i can never have
that shiny shattered
made of dreams you
who only appears when i
can’t feel anyone else
in the dark when my
shadows scream about loss
and i hide under the covers
like a little child and chant
your name like i’m praying

and part of me
always thinks you might just
walk in the door
if i cry for you enough
and then i wouldn’t need to call.