Losing My Religion, all for you, babe

there are not words yet
i try to find the proper song lyrics
the right poem
that carries the weight of all that i wish
to convey to you
wherever the hell you are now
no, wherever the heaven you are now, maybe
(because i always said i don’t believe in hell)
(still don’t)
my mother thinks you believe now
in everything you shunned
the trinity of god, jesus, and your father’s sermons
but most of me still believes you are
my girl
the one who showed up
still drunk
for her confirmation exam
and passed anyway, though you were never confirmed
not that i think that matters anymore
this rambling pretentious poem that i
really hope you aren’t reading from
wherever you are
has lost it’s train of thought
maybe i’m not ready to write
about the space in my life
that used to be you
because it’s a damn big hole
that a thousand poems
could never ever fill